In our family the words 'time out' mean needing some alone time. My daughter's favourite time out activity? Eating apples and watching My Neighbor Totoro.
She came home from the yard confused and amused. "R. Said he couldn't play with me. He said he was in time-out."
"Yeah?" I asked, biting my lip, waiting for her reaction.
She was eager to share. "I told him about my time outs," she said. "I love my time outs." She thought for a moment. "But he said he was only allowed to sit on his bed. That's odd, isn't it?"
"In some families time-outs are designed to be the opposite of fun. They are meant to be a punishment," I said.
My daughter took off her coat and went upstairs. Knowing her, she'll be bombarding me with questions in about two weeks. She needs time to process things like these.
When I studied psychology as an undergraduate, one of my favourite courses was called "Learning and Conditioning" where we covered applied behavioural modification. Among the academic papers on rewards and punishments and reinforcement schedules was one short article about time-outs. I remember coming home to my husband and excitedly telling him, "This is what we're going to do. What a great alternative to spanking!" That was probably twelve years ago, six years before we had kids. Since then, somewhere on the road to discovering what "gentle discipline" is, I stopped viewing time-outs as gentle. I started looking for solutions that put relationship before behaviour. After all, if I come home in a crappy mood and am short with my husband, I'd be horrified if instead of a hug he sent me to sit on the bed--alone. A "misbehaving" (I don't like this term, thus the quotation marks) child needs connection and bonding, and a time out is the ultimate of disconnection.
I wonder how many children in time-outs feel this way?
My son was diagnosed with high functioning autism when he was two and a half, we spent a year doing behaviour modification. It was a long year, let me just say. However, that year forced me to look at what kind of parent I wanted to be, what I wanted for my kids, and is what ultimately led me to bite the bullet and homeschool my boys. Anyway, I just wanted to share!
ReplyDeleteOur time outs sound like yours, lol
Mommy's the one getting time-outs here, too. I say, "Would you please go to your room for a minute while I calm down?" and usually he does but sometimes he says, "no!" in which case I go to my room instead. Works great.
ReplyDeleteExcellent point. I think when people look at popular childrearing techniques as "If that happened to me..." they might do things differently. Your blog is awesome, and so are you.
ReplyDeleteMy two year old says "just let me calm down for a minute" when he needs some space to take time out. I can't see any point in making him take a 'time out' as a punishment.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting that your daughter was confused by the other child having to sit on the bed whereas she loves her time outs. This reminded me of when the little girl next door said in response to something I said to sunnyboy "but how can he know what's best for him? You're the mum." It was such a different concept to her.
ha! mama's mad and I'm laughing at her" look. Ummmmm....not helping!
ReplyDeleteNow kids engaging in behavior that some would think calls for a time-out just means that the kids need some help readjusting the dynamics to help support them be their best selves :-)
(this can be trickier than it sounds;-)